Episode 01 - Sick Hungarian jokes

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Good evening and welcome to bearwithadeathlist.co.uk, the home of all things dark humor. This website is dedicated to showcasing the very best that dark humor has to offer, so as to show the world that the haters simply have no sense of humor. Dark humor is in fact quite entertaining, if well written. It's not just about shock value, it's genuinely humorous. It's not for everyone, of course, but it's a great form of humor and we will show you the best on a regular basis. Every fortnight we will present a "dark humor highlight" for your reading pleasure. To start things off, we will talk a little bit about dark humor from central Europe. More specifically, about sick Hungarian jokes.

Hungarian jokes have a reputation. Not necessarily a bad reputation, but certainly they are known to have a tendency of being just a little bit extreme. Naturally not every Hungarian joke is like that, but there is almost a "sub-genre" of jokes in Hungary that can only be described by the word "sick". Now, the important thing is, that there's nothing wrong with that. Most of these jokes are in fact very very funny, though some of them can be quite offensive. Truthfully, sick Hungarian jokes are an excellent example of why dark humor is just as great as "classic" humor, and their enjoyment just needs a bit of open-mindedness and a little more sense of humor.

So today we highlight these infamous sick Hungarian jokes by listing the top eight Hungarian jokes of bearwithadeathlist.co.uk. If you're Hungarian you may well disagree with these choices, and if so, feel free to debate the list on the facebook page; hell, post your own favorites if you wish! As for the rest of our readers, read on and enjoy our top eight picks for the best sick Hungarian jokes of all time. Why top eight? Well, why not?


8) Fairytales involving princes and princesses and the like are, or at least used to be, very popular in Hungary. Here's a joke that makes a mockery of the genre:

A young prince is walking through a forest and encounters an old woman. He strikes up a conversation with her, asking her who she is. The old woman says she is in reality a young princess, and an evil wizard put a curse on her. She is very sad because the curse can only be broken if a young prince has sex with her three times, and she knows she's too ugly now for that to ever happen. `Ugly is right,' the prince thinks to himself, `but what the hell, if I break the curse she'll be young and beautiful and we can get married.' So the prince decides to help out the old woman. He puts a bucket over her head and fucks her, three times in a row. After the third one he takes the bucket off, but the woman is still old and ugly. `You're still an ugly old woman!' he says, pointing out the obvious. `What is the meaning of this, you old hag?!' The old woman responds with a question.
`Tell me, prince, how old are you?'
`I'm twenty-one.'
`And you still believe in fairytales?'

7) This joke is a real classic born in the times before the fall of the Soviet Union, which was a time when fancy cars like a Mercedes were extremely rarely seen in Hungary and were owned only by the richest folk. Imagine how an old peasant from the countryside would react to seeing one of those from the inside:

A man is driving through the countryside in a Mercedes. He sees a hitch-hiker on the road and decides to pick him up. The hitch-hiker, and old peasant, takes just one look at the multitude of displays and buttons in the car and he immediately starts asking the driver about them. The man patiently explains everything from the CD player to the air conditioner, but he quickly gets fed up with all the questions. So when the peasant asks him about the Mercedes logo at the very front of the car, the driver tells him that it's a crosshair which helps him with the aim when he tries to run over a pedestrian or a cyclist. The old man nods in silent understanding. Some time later they run across a bike rider by the road. The driver uses the Mercedes logo to target the cyclist so as to demonstrate its operation, but of course in the end he pulls on the wheel to avoid the collision. He hears a silent thud, but he keeps driving anyway, thinking it must have been the wind or something. Then the old peasant says: `You know something my good man, this fancy rolling machine of yours ain't so perfect. If I hadn't opened the door, we never would have hit that cyclist...'

6) There are two types of jokes in Hungary that are quite common and target a certain portion of the demographic: policeman jokes and blond woman jokes. They tend to be quite offensive towards the people they make fun of, but they are very funny nonetheless. The following joke is one of the most famous and most vicious blond woman jokes of all time (Note: if you don't know what a walkman is, just substitute "ipod" for "walkman" below. Although, if you don't know what a walkman is, you're probably too young for this website...):

Blond woman goes to the hairdresser with a walkman. She's using large headphones to listen to the walkman. As she sits in the chair, the hairdresser tells her that she has to take the headphones off, because he can't work on her hair while she's wearing them. She doesn't take them off, so after a while of useless arguing the hairdresser takes them off her head. Then the woman collapses, starts choking, and not much later she dies. The hairdresser is shocked, but out of curiosity, he puts the headphones on to find out what she was listening to. He hears the following repeated on the tape constantly.
`Breathe in... Breathe out... Breathe in... Breathe out...'

5) Hungary is known among other things for having a catastrophic health care system. A lot of people don't get proper treatment and many of the hospitals are struggling to meet the ever growing demands. For this reason, jokes like the following are considered quite morbid in Hungary:

Intensive care. Busy day, dozens of patients on life support. Midday approaches, and a man in a jumpsuit enters with a box of tools. He's an electrician. He clears his throat, and announces the following to the patients:
`Take a deep breath you all! Time to change the fuse!'

4) This one is a true classic, another joke with princes and princesses. Not quite as much of a mockery of fairytales as the previous one though, quite the opposite in fact:

A prince wants to get married. He pays a visit to the king of the neighboring kingdom who offers him his daughters. The prince says he will take the one with the biggest vagina. The oldest princess immediately tells him that hers is the biggest because he could fit his entire fist inside. The prince tries it, and indeed his fist fits into her vagina. Then the second princess says that hers is so big that the prince's entire head would fit inside, along with his crown. The prince gives this a try as well, and it works, his head fits in just fine. Then the youngest princess claims that hers is so huge the entire prince can fit inside. The prince doesn't believe that, but he wants to try it anyway. To his surprise, he fits inside... and gets lost. As he's looking for the exit, he runs into and old peasant.
`Good day, old man.' he says to the peasant. `Are you looking for the way out, too?'
`No.' says the old man. `I lost my horse.'

3) This joke is also a classic, though it may in fact not be originally Hungarian. It's a very popular joke in Hungary nonetheless:

A man decides to buy himself a pet, however, he wants something exotic so he ends up buying a monkey. He takes the monkey home and lets it out of the cage. The monkey immediately runs out of the house and up the tree in the garden. Hours pass and the monkey doesn't come down, so the man calls the pet shop to complain. The pet shop's owner tells him he'll come around and sort things out. An hour later he shows up in the company of a dog and a shotgun. The man looks at the shotgun suspiciously, but let's the shopkeeper explain his plan.
`Here's what we'll do.' the shopkeeper says. `I will climb the tree and sit on the same branch as the monkey. I will start shaking it wildly. When the monkey falls off, my dog will bite it in the balls, and then you can quickly put the monkey back in the cage.'
`That's it? Then why did you bring the shotgun?'
`Simple. If the monkey manages to shake the branch harder than me, I need you to shoot the dog.'

2) A true classic in Hungary is the Aggressive Little Pig. That's his name. With a capital A. He's one aggressive motherfucker. There are many jokes about him, many of them are quite absurd, but none are so vicious and disgusting as this one:

The Aggressive Little Pig walks through the forest and runs into a fairy. The fairy tells him that she is having such a good day she will grant three wishes to anyone she runs across, so he can have three wishes. The Aggressive Little Pig then says: `I want my ass covered with shit.' The fairy is surprised, but a wish is a wish, she grants it. Upon asking what his second wish is, the Aggressive Little Pig says: `I want my ass covered in even more shit.' Fairy grants his wish, and asks about the third wish.
`What's your last wish then?' she asks. And the Aggressive Little Pig replies:
`Lick it clean, bitch! SLOWLY!'

1) The number one on this list really shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Not if you payed attention to the name of the website:

The bear writes a death list. News of his death list spread across the forest like wildfire. Some of the animals who hear about it decide to go ask the bear about the list, thinking, that living in uncertainty is worse than knowing for certain that a bear is going to eat you. So, the fox goes to the bear and asks him about the list.
'Hey bear, is it true that you have a death list?' asks the fox.
`Yeah.' says the bear.
`Well... is my name on it?'
`I dunno, lemme check...' says the bear, and then he pulls out the death list. When the bear finds the fox's name on the list, he says to the fox:
`Yeah, you're on the list.'
And then the bear eats the fox.
A few days pass and the wolf comes by and asks the bear about the list.
`Hey bear, is it true that you wrote a death list?' asks the wolf.
`Yeah.' says the bear.
`Okay... is my name on it?'
`I dunno, lemme check... Yeah, 'fraid so...'
And then the bear eats the wolf as well.
A couple of days pass and the rabbit comes by and asks the bear about the death list.
`Hey bear, is it true that you have a death list?' asks the rabbit.
`Yeah.' says the bear.
`Tell me... is my name on it?'
`I dunno, lemme check... Yeah, 'fraid so, you're on the list'
And then the rabbit says:
`Hey bear... Couldn't you... like... erase my name or something?'
And then the bear says:
`Sure, why not?'

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